The verdict is in. I’m out. The last nail in the coffin stuck deep down my dreams. On the 22nd morning the omniscient omnipotent omnipresent almighty guided me towards the computer centre and I logged in. He has his own strange ways of doing things. It always happens that whenever I get a reject, he would empower the website servers to work full throttle and ensure that the skies fall upon me at the anointed moment. He will also ensure that the more confident I am of getting somewhere, the faster he will bring me down. When people around me expect more from me, he ensures that I will let them down in some way or the other. And when I succeed its hardly noticeable, it’s like the bird causing a blip on the radar, highly inconsequential yet disturbing. I have been a person who had a lot of confused dreams, half baked aspirations, ill conceived notions and loads of things happening around. But the last two years have been so weird that I can hardly put all my experiences in words. I have seen peaks of ecstasy and have touched the nadir, been overwhelmed by events around me and been crushed, rejoiced for days altogether and felt completely lost again, found new avenues, explored new horizons and then was down in the dumps, I been admired and been despised, I have triumphed and I have tottered, been victorious and have been victimized and vindicated, did things I never would have done, missed things I would’ve died for, accepted some things at face value, worked hard and got nowhere, lost something on the way and treaded the boulevard of broken dreams. This follows the main character from Green Day's song "Jesus of Suburbia." He leaves town, has one crazy first night and now it's kind of like the hangover. He's just walking, thinking about whether it was the right decision leaving where he used to live.
"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams" – Green Day
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone
Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...
I feel similarly about my dreams. Dreams that were never meant to be, dreams that shouldn’t have been seen. I was probably happy, but then I left the safest shores and ventured out into the unknown, took my aspirations to a new level , strived for it, worked for it and then everything came crashing down. I suddenly feel everything going wrong and getting messed up. But looking back at 20 years of my life, I have just this to say
There will be times when you would despair
There would be times when you feel defeated
There will be times when you feel rejected
Hold your thoughts and ponder
Wait a while and remember
Don’t judge yourself from a day’s experience
For what you are today, was not made in a day
A failure is a way, I believe
To see yourself in a different light
In a different perspective, through your own inner eyes
You rejoice in success
You analyze in failure
For failure is a queer teacher, it will teach you things the hard way
It won’t facilitate, it won’t accentuate,
It will hit you hard in your face
But if you get bogged down, give up or simply stop
Do it at your own risk, kill yourself, albeit in parts
They can take away an opportunity, they can take away a chance
They may take away the world from you, and make you penniless
And you are down and out unless
You see with your inner eyes
The potential, the passion, the talent, the energy, the enthusiasm
The spirit, the will and most importantly the faith.
You will see yourself
In a totally different light
For these are the things
No one can take away, no one can change
No one can tamper, no one can suppress
Because this is all what you are about.
No matter how many times I fall, I will get up and work. I will push myself harder, and will ensure that I will follow the 3 golden words to success. Citius , Altius and Fortius. You are not a failure until you think you are. And as Andy Dufferene always said “Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies. “
I dedicate this post to all those who have supported me, prayed for me, and been there for me, I needn’t post their names, because those will be the ones reading this post. Its because of people like you that I can see myself as I am.
